04

It is 6:53am where I am, and I do not intend to sleep today.

The pressure is building up. I'm leaving in 4 days. Facing my Parents / family politics / the funeral / job hunting / long haul flight / food food food. I want to tear my hair out and scream at everyone and go I am not okay. I AM NOT OKAY. Help me, please.

I don't want to leave, yet I want to. It is always the case with me. I never know what I want. I always want too much. I need too much. I don't know what I need. If I really had a choice, I wouldn't choose either. I'd run away and live in a mountain by myself. I'd step into another dimension if I could. I'd fast forward time and live in the future where it is hopefully empty and dark and I am the only person left. Or even better, I'd be dead.

What's making it worse are the numbers. They are definitely falling. But too slowly. Why?! I need it to be speedy. I need to see those numbers drop so my self esteem doesn't completely dissipate. Ironically, it is the only thing that's holding on to my sanity.

Sometimes I hate myself so much for being such a failure I wished someone would come up to me and blungeon my face. Because I deserve it.