10

Um. So, yesterday was pretty eventful.

- The girlfriend and I finally called it quits.

Yup.
It's perplexing because I don't know how I feel about it. I mean I know I am sad, mostly because she was pretty darn close to perfect. But it's not like, sad sad. Know what I mean? I won't be surprised if you don't since I don't get it either.

So anyway, slept at 9am last night did anyone say nocturnal?

I've never been so motivated though. Bp-ed yesterday since there really wasn't any other way to deal with it... sort of. I don't get it. I don't understand myself. Wish there was a mind reader.

The plan now is to just eat as little as humanly possible, preferably below 150 cals a day. (Which means I cannot consume anymore food today) or fast. Forever and ever until I disappear. My zest for life is lacking, can you tell? I just feel so inhuman, sort of like a robot. Do I have a heart?

- I had a chat with the best friend in Melbourne.

It has been such a long while. Refreshing. We've never really been the closest since we've both got other friends but the both of us have known each other since we were 11. That should definitely account for something.

She told me that her gut tells her _ & I would eventually end up together. _ is another girl altogether. It's a long, tedious story so let's just leave it as that.

Can I be honest here? Okay. Honestly, no thank you very much.

She makes me feel inadequate and unattractive, resulting in a maaaajor inferior complex around her. I am pretty certain it's a height thing. Tall people intimidate me (yet, I am so attracted to them, sadistic). Anyway, bottom line - never in a million years. I like it how we're both friends. Friends is good. Very good.

09

It doesn't make sense. Was such a good girl yesterday. Ate little, went through the taxing process of the salt water flush, exercised even! But this morning I woke up 1kg (2lbs) heavier. 44.8 - 45.6

WHUUUT.

This upsets me. Going to work even harder today. 150 cals or less.

Losertown.org has this fun little thing where you can put down your stats and amount of exercise you do. It'll calculate the speed of your weight loss by the week. Which means I'll get to my goal weight by... mid-June if I stick to a 300cal diet. Going to abide by that, or maybe even lesser. I don't exercise much, so I chose 'sedentary couch potato'. Trying to increase it but I'm so afraid of muscle and I get faint so easily.

Anyway, I am determined to make today work.

The plan is to have coffee for breakfast, 10 grapes for lunch (30), 4 bites of おにぎり for dinner (100?). So a total of 130 calories. Also, exercise for an hour on the threadmill - 80.

08

Arrived on the night of the 16th after a 14hr long flight with a 4hr transit in Dubai. As expected, my family planned a Chinese New Year steamboat dinner where I had to sit at the same table as the person. If not for my sister, I would have shriveled up and died from her poison fumes. Basically, the both of us ignored her.

Yesterday was also the day I learnt that my parents have :
● Given her braces when she doesn't need it and is now taking for granted by not upholding her appointments with the dentist. Surprise, surprise.
● Paid for her school fees for the 3rd time. It costs $17,000 for a year. The last time, it was $10,000 and she stopped going after 3 months. Needless to say, she failed her Os for the 2nd time.
● She hasn't been eating at all. Which puts me in panic mode, for obvious reasons.
● She has been feigning panic attacks, just because she knows my sister and I have them. Lame.


It angers me, how my parents are so useless when it comes to disciplining her. They do nothing to correct her behaviour / mentality, blaming their age, saying they're growing old and no longer have the energy. Talk about irresponsible. I told my mother that if she continues to spoil the person, it would no longer be just the person's fault, but my parents as well. To which she responded with, 'you never know, she might just grow up to be richer than you.'

Ouch.

I mean, I don't expect to be rich, because I don't really care that much for money anyway. What really matters to me is doing something that I love and doing it for life - design. But to have my mother say that the person might grow up to be richer than me translates to 'more successful' and that hurts. See why I was dreading coming back home?

Nothing good ever happens here. My self esteem depletes rapidly, and my motivation to live disappears altogether.

Why do I try so hard when it is all useless?

Starting the Master Cleanse today. I need something to focus on to distract me from all this emotional discomfort. Any moment now and I will break.

07

I am a failure.

06

The hold ups I bought from ASOS arrived today. My legs are so disgustingly fat and short that they look terrible on me. I'm not even exaggerating. They really do.

Numbers are stagnant for now. 95 / 43.1. I'm trying not to freak out too much and just stay focused. Felt really nauseous and almost fainted last night which is never a good sign so I had some oranges 66 (partially purged), a Milk Choc Digestive 84 & 1 slice of toast with thin layer of butter 115. My body could function without fainting after that so I headed out to get some Dulcolax.

Every time I think about going home, my stomach does a little flip. Not in a good way. Aren't people supposed to be happy when they get to see their family? I love my family. But we don't get along. There is too much drama within us. Too much tension.

And then there's my nemesis. If she wasn't living with us, it wouldn't be so bad. My parents do not care about what I feel or how much it hurts. I think that's the problem. No one seems to care about my feelings, not that they're worth anything really. They're not to blame anyway, since I can barely voice my thoughts / express my emotions adequately.

05

The girlfriend left me in the room and according to her, I crashed within 5 seconds. That was how tired I was. Feeling a little better now that I've gotten some rest.

Woke up and immediately weighed myself - down 1lb to 95lbs. FINALLY. And thank God as well, because I had some Paella this morning but purged and was totally freaking out over it.

If this keeps up, I'll be 92lbs / 41.6kgs by Monday. Hopefully my period ends then too, and shows on the scale.

04

It is 6:53am where I am, and I do not intend to sleep today.

The pressure is building up. I'm leaving in 4 days. Facing my Parents / family politics / the funeral / job hunting / long haul flight / food food food. I want to tear my hair out and scream at everyone and go I am not okay. I AM NOT OKAY. Help me, please.

I don't want to leave, yet I want to. It is always the case with me. I never know what I want. I always want too much. I need too much. I don't know what I need. If I really had a choice, I wouldn't choose either. I'd run away and live in a mountain by myself. I'd step into another dimension if I could. I'd fast forward time and live in the future where it is hopefully empty and dark and I am the only person left. Or even better, I'd be dead.

What's making it worse are the numbers. They are definitely falling. But too slowly. Why?! I need it to be speedy. I need to see those numbers drop so my self esteem doesn't completely dissipate. Ironically, it is the only thing that's holding on to my sanity.

Sometimes I hate myself so much for being such a failure I wished someone would come up to me and blungeon my face. Because I deserve it.

03

Not done by me. I wish it was though, it's such a catchy phrase. The artwork could possibly be better. But who am I to judge.

-

Woke up at 5:45pm. My only true talent is sleeping. Even then, I'm not good enough at it because I needed 2 sleeping pills to help me last night. The girlfriend was sprawled over the bed and I had no space and it was bright and stuffy and I felt itchy and ugh. Yeah.

Good dream though.

It was of... the girl before my current girlfriend. I don't know why I keep getting dreams of her when I don't even think about her anymore and it is so obviously over even though there's always still that inkling of sexual tension between the both of us regardless of how long we'd have gone without seeing each other. Very, very perplexing.

Had my green tea when I woke up. Did some yoga. Helped the girlfriend with her camera making. Took a couple of pictures. Watered my plant. Or not. I don't remember. Oh shit.


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My meal for today. Only had 8 mouths of it. Tasted horrible. It was leftover cabbage + leek, think they've gone bad. Hopefully it'll give me indigestion or something just so I can go to the loo. Haven't been in 3849791823 days. (okay, I exaggerate)

If I don't go by tomorrow morning, I'm heading down to Boots for laxatives. Might as well stock up on my Vitamin B-complex + B12 from Holland & Barrett.

02

I started packing today.

All that is left in my side of the closet is a dress, a pair of jeans, a shirt, a jacket, and a couple of underwear. Almost empty. Almost gone.

Things have a knack of showing up when you least expect them to and disappear when you most need them. While re-organizing the stuff in my hand carry, I found the only bra that I had brought, and have been desperately looking for. Other stuff that turned up were, 2 pouches full of medication, facial cream, a pair of glasses, and a bottle of saline solution. All of which will be of little use to me now. I placed them in her compartment.

After that heavy lifting / packing / cleaning up, I settled down in bed with a nice cup of green tea as planned.

I didn't hear her come in.

-

X : "The room is clean! It looks more... spacious now."

Me : "Yes, it was the illusion of the sporadically placed books and fragments of paper that made the room appear small. I didn't hear you walk in."

X : "Did you pack your stuff?"

Me : "Yeah. I also left some medication for you. There's stuff for diarrhea, and stuff for sore throats, and stuff for ulcers, and Panadol Extra. I left them in your compartment. Remember to take them if you feel ill okay? I won't be here to take care of you anymore. What are you going to do? Oh no..."

-

The dam was breaking. It's barely been holding up. Talking about my departure, talking about how she would be alone, talking about not being able to be there for her, talking about goodbyes just made it so real. She came over and snuggled on my lap. That was it. The dam trembled a little, tears welled. No, but I must not cry. I must not cry. I must not cry. I forced those tears back, shut the dam up, and forced a smile.

This is not goodbye. Not yet.


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On to food related topics, I've been a good girl so far.

Woke up at 6-ish / did 30 mins of yoga / had a cup of tea / checked the bank / went to Tescos and bought a 31p packet of chopped cabbage + lentil that I made into some soup thing. Only 23 cals! Brilliant.

Still fat though, my weight is not moving. At all. It is really frustrating, because I think it's caused by age. The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight because your metabolism naturally dies down. Adding on to the fact that your body is trying to conserve energy, weight really just kind of sticks to you. What happened to the days when I would shed 5 pounds a week?!

01

My teeth & gums hurt.

Going to go to bed now. When I wake up (which would be around 5pm), the plan is to :

/ make a cup of green tea
/ head to Tesco for 3 cans of aspartame - what we all affectionately call Diet Coke + 1 massive bottle of still water
/ check bank
/ 30 mins yoga
/ 50 push ups
/ 100 sit ups
/ do a bit of drawring
/ submerge myself so deep into the internet nothing can touch me

Intervention : Anorexic Twins

This episode made me tear so much because the father resembles my daddy. Especially his behaviour when his daughter was being rude to him at the part where they were making some Polish meal together. I miss my father.

I now feel obese after watching the twins teether about in their amazing figures. Wish I could go back to being as skinny. Treatment fucks you up so bad. Never going back again.

-

New plan for today:

8 glasses of water
3 cups of tea
1 cup soya milk


Feeling really motivated / inspired.