02

I started packing today.

All that is left in my side of the closet is a dress, a pair of jeans, a shirt, a jacket, and a couple of underwear. Almost empty. Almost gone.

Things have a knack of showing up when you least expect them to and disappear when you most need them. While re-organizing the stuff in my hand carry, I found the only bra that I had brought, and have been desperately looking for. Other stuff that turned up were, 2 pouches full of medication, facial cream, a pair of glasses, and a bottle of saline solution. All of which will be of little use to me now. I placed them in her compartment.

After that heavy lifting / packing / cleaning up, I settled down in bed with a nice cup of green tea as planned.

I didn't hear her come in.

-

X : "The room is clean! It looks more... spacious now."

Me : "Yes, it was the illusion of the sporadically placed books and fragments of paper that made the room appear small. I didn't hear you walk in."

X : "Did you pack your stuff?"

Me : "Yeah. I also left some medication for you. There's stuff for diarrhea, and stuff for sore throats, and stuff for ulcers, and Panadol Extra. I left them in your compartment. Remember to take them if you feel ill okay? I won't be here to take care of you anymore. What are you going to do? Oh no..."

-

The dam was breaking. It's barely been holding up. Talking about my departure, talking about how she would be alone, talking about not being able to be there for her, talking about goodbyes just made it so real. She came over and snuggled on my lap. That was it. The dam trembled a little, tears welled. No, but I must not cry. I must not cry. I must not cry. I forced those tears back, shut the dam up, and forced a smile.

This is not goodbye. Not yet.


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On to food related topics, I've been a good girl so far.

Woke up at 6-ish / did 30 mins of yoga / had a cup of tea / checked the bank / went to Tescos and bought a 31p packet of chopped cabbage + lentil that I made into some soup thing. Only 23 cals! Brilliant.

Still fat though, my weight is not moving. At all. It is really frustrating, because I think it's caused by age. The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight because your metabolism naturally dies down. Adding on to the fact that your body is trying to conserve energy, weight really just kind of sticks to you. What happened to the days when I would shed 5 pounds a week?!