Arrived on the night of the 16th after a 14hr long flight with a 4hr transit in Dubai. As expected, my family planned a Chinese New Year steamboat dinner where I had to sit at the same table as the person. If not for my sister, I would have shriveled up and died from her poison fumes. Basically, the both of us ignored her.
Yesterday was also the day I learnt that my parents have :
● Given her braces when she doesn't need it and is now taking for granted by not upholding her appointments with the dentist. Surprise, surprise.
● Paid for her school fees for the 3rd time. It costs $17,000 for a year. The last time, it was $10,000 and she stopped going after 3 months. Needless to say, she failed her Os for the 2nd time.
● She hasn't been eating at all. Which puts me in panic mode, for obvious reasons.
● She has been feigning panic attacks, just because she knows my sister and I have them. Lame.
It angers me, how my parents are so useless when it comes to disciplining her. They do nothing to correct her behaviour / mentality, blaming their age, saying they're growing old and no longer have the energy. Talk about irresponsible. I told my mother that if she continues to spoil the person, it would no longer be just the person's fault, but my parents as well. To which she responded with, 'you never know, she might just grow up to be richer than you.'
Ouch.
I mean, I don't expect to be rich, because I don't really care that much for money anyway. What really matters to me is doing something that I love and doing it for life - design. But to have my mother say that the person might grow up to be richer than me translates to 'more successful' and that hurts. See why I was dreading coming back home?
Nothing good ever happens here. My self esteem depletes rapidly, and my motivation to live disappears altogether.
Why do I try so hard when it is all useless?
Starting the Master Cleanse today. I need something to focus on to distract me from all this emotional discomfort. Any moment now and I will break.
The hold ups I bought from ASOS arrived today. My legs are so disgustingly fat and short that they look terrible on me. I'm not even exaggerating. They really do.
Numbers are stagnant for now. 95 / 43.1. I'm trying not to freak out too much and just stay focused. Felt really nauseous and almost fainted last night which is never a good sign so I had some oranges 66 (partially purged), a Milk Choc Digestive 84 & 1 slice of toast with thin layer of butter 115. My body could function without fainting after that so I headed out to get some Dulcolax.
Every time I think about going home, my stomach does a little flip. Not in a good way. Aren't people supposed to be happy when they get to see their family? I love my family. But we don't get along. There is too much drama within us. Too much tension.
And then there's my nemesis. If she wasn't living with us, it wouldn't be so bad. My parents do not care about what I feel or how much it hurts. I think that's the problem. No one seems to care about my feelings, not that they're worth anything really. They're not to blame anyway, since I can barely voice my thoughts / express my emotions adequately.
The girlfriend left me in the room and according to her, I crashed within 5 seconds. That was how tired I was. Feeling a little better now that I've gotten some rest.
Woke up and immediately weighed myself - down 1lb to 95lbs. FINALLY. And thank God as well, because I had some Paella this morning but purged and was totally freaking out over it.
If this keeps up, I'll be 92lbs / 41.6kgs by Monday. Hopefully my period ends then too, and shows on the scale.
I was recently introduced to this video, 'The Truth About Online Anorexia', hosted by Fearne Cotton.
Her point of view is warped. Her hosting is terribly annoying. The way she judges these websites is not objective, but discriminating. Yes. I understand that shows like such need to be approached from an angle. It is obvious the producers are against these perceived pro-ana websites, but it is incorrect to completely dismiss every other angle to the story. The fact that she could recite the feeling of guilt after she failed her first attempt at dieting, that mind you, lasted less than a day, proved how much effort she & the producers had put in researching the side effects of crash dieting yet completely neglecting every other aspect. No one actually feels guilty after dieting for half a day, especially so if you do not have an ed. Or maybe, hey, she does! I don't know. What is the point of going on a diet anyway? What is she trying to communicate? That these diets do not work? Well of course they don't. If you do not have an eating disorder. That looking at thinspiration doesn't help curb your hunger? Of course it doesnt. You do not have an eating disorder. It is simple as that, really.
Some of us (I won't generalise now) look at thinspiration because it is a form of distraction. Because it keeps us preoccupied. Because it helps us to stay focused. I personally like thinspiration because I feel I can relate to their body somehow. I don't find it 'inspiring', so I do not call them 'thinspiration'. Instead, I refer to them as 'perfection'. Which is something I am always striving for. I look at those pictures and try to guess their weight. Are they heavier than I am? Or lighter? Definitely lighter. Why the fuck. Why. I want to at least be able to be good at something Unfortunately, the only thing I have realised I can truly do with much ease is avoid food. So why not do my best at it? I know it sounds warped. But those with actual eating disorders will understand. That is why there are such communities. To support people who are mentally ill and just need a listening ear.
Yes, there are tips going around. But when someone writes about needing to go for dinner with their parents and eating in front of people, we feel them. So we help. And giving tips is how we provide aid. Of course you'll think it's absolutely preposterous how tips could be passed around like that. You don't understand.
However, I do agree with the obvious fact that these website may prove to be harmful to younger children. There is a growing number of people who wish to have anorexia, for whatever reason I cannot fathom, and it is definitely something to be concerned about. But it is also important to note that most of them fall out of it anyway. Some people just want to lose a bit of weight the fast way. The only way of dieting they know of is Anorexia. Why? Because the media is filled with shit about Anorexia. This celebrity dying of Anorexia. That other famous person getting Anorexia. That other celebrity getting Anorexia. What message does this send to children? If the media said something like, oh look! Famous person #3178623 lost 8319873812kg because of a serious concussion to the head, and oh hey! So did Famous person #2837182, and #87319823 and #612731515, I am certain kids would be turning to concussions to the head instead of Anorexia to lose weight.
Honestly, these girls annoy me as well. Especially when they litter the communities that I turn for support with questions like, "how do I make myself avoid food" or "I need to lose 10lbs by x date, please help". The answer would always be: Get a fucking eating disorder. I myself hope for them to be eradicated from such websites for their own good, and for my sanity.
If you want to stop wannarexics, control media converage. Not throw the blame on websites. Simple as that, really. And while you're at it, put healthy looking models with a BMI of at least 18 (since that's apparently the 'healthy' range) on the runway. It is obvious that most of them aren't even close to being of healthy weight.
It is 6:53am where I am, and I do not intend to sleep today.
The pressure is building up. I'm leaving in 4 days. Facing my Parents / family politics / the funeral / job hunting / long haul flight / food food food. I want to tear my hair out and scream at everyone and go I am not okay. I AM NOT OKAY. Help me, please.
I don't want to leave, yet I want to. It is always the case with me. I never know what I want. I always want too much. I need too much. I don't know what I need. If I really had a choice, I wouldn't choose either. I'd run away and live in a mountain by myself. I'd step into another dimension if I could. I'd fast forward time and live in the future where it is hopefully empty and dark and I am the only person left. Or even better, I'd be dead.
What's making it worse are the numbers. They are definitely falling. But too slowly. Why?! I need it to be speedy. I need to see those numbers drop so my self esteem doesn't completely dissipate. Ironically, it is the only thing that's holding on to my sanity.
Sometimes I hate myself so much for being such a failure I wished someone would come up to me and blungeon my face. Because I deserve it.
